


I'd forsake all the diamonds from the deepest ocean

by jvngfs



Category: Infinite (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-07-18
Updated: 2016-07-18
Packaged: 2018-07-24 19:25:01
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 13,363
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7520176
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jvngfs/pseuds/jvngfs
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sunggyu wants Woohyun to forget his ex-boyfriend.</p>
            </blockquote>





	I'd forsake all the diamonds from the deepest ocean

The blond guy has already drank too much and he probably doesn't have enough to pay for it but Sunggyu keeps bringing him bottles whenever he asks for it anyway. He usually wouldn't because his manager would scold him for doing so if she was here but she isn't. Still, he should show the guy out for his own good but he had been crying for a while now and Sunggyu can't bring himself to tell him they're closing and he should head home. So he just brings him another bottle of soju, eyeing his puffy eyes and trembling hands with a judgmental gaze, but doesn't say anything. Instead, he pretends to be busy cleaning the tables and tries his best to ignore the tiny sobs the guy is letting out. But it's a hard thing to do.

Two months ago, Sunggyu would have sat in front of him and asked what was wrong. Two months ago, he would have wanted to get involved. But that was two months ago, because now Sunggyu saw too many people cry, got involved too much, lost a lot just by trying to be compliant. So he just stay away, closing his eyes and pushing back the discomfort rising inside him. 

For a second, he ponders whether he's doing something bad, something his grandmother would drag him to church for but then he decides that he shouldn't care. Kim Sunggyu doesn't care about people. He doesn't.

"Have you ever had your heart broken?"

Sunggyu jumps, looks around, startled and realizing it's only the boy and himself left in the shop, he understands it's directed to him.

"Hm, I'm sorry?," he asks politely, finally fixing his eyes on the too blond hair with the dark roots showing. The guy sniffles loudly, wiping off a wet trail on his cheek with his sleeve.

"I said, have you ever had your heart broken?," he repeats, voice strained and his protruding lower lip shaking ever so slightly that Sunggyu can't help but stare.

He lets his sponge falls on the table he was cleaning and comes to sit in front of him, chair creating a screeching sound as he drags it on the floor. He regrets it as soon as he does it; he promised he wouldn't care. "No, I haven't," he says eventually and the guy nods.

"You're lucky." He pours himself another glass and gulps it down, a droplet, that he doesn't wipe off, escaping to run down his chin. He's already really drunk. "You want one?," he offers then, gesturing for the bottle and already pouring himself another glass messily.

"No, it's okay. I'm still working, I-," Sunggyu gets cut off as the guy push the shot in front of him, insisting. He hesitates, takes a glimpse at the clock telling him his shift is almost over and he finally accepts - more because he's polite than because he wants to drink. The alcohol burns his throat and spreads nicely to his guts. "Are you alright? Do you want me to call you a taxi? You seem already pretty drunk," he says that to be nice but the guy just laughs, head rolling backward and lips stretching awkwardly in a smile that contrasts drastically with the red-rimmed eyes he's still wearing.

"I don't need a taxi. I have nowhere to go anyway." His tone is casual, cheerful even and completely out of place with the words he's uttering. Just like his blond hair doesn't fit his green t-shirt or his drinking makes his youthful features lie about his age. Sunggyu is about to ask if he's staying at a hotel when he interrupts him to continue, "I was living with a guy but he broke up with me earlier today." His words are slurred, coming out rapidly and at an uneven pace out of his mouth, but still, Sunggyu listens. 

"I'm really sorry." He doesn't know what else to say because he can't sympathize with his pain. He never had his heart broken - not by a lover at least - so he just rely on what seems right to say in that situation. 

The guy doesn't seem to hear him though, because he's already pouring himself another drink and he mutters - loud enough for Sunggyu to hear, but not loud enough that Sunggyu is absolutely sure he's talking to him and not to himself -, "That fucking bastard broke with me after three fucking years. Three fucking years."

Sunggyu shifts in his seat, uncomfortable. He isn't used to comforting people, or maybe he is but just not strangers who seem willing to tell him all about their hardships. "I'm really sorry to hear that but right now I'm about to close the shop so you have to leave. Like I told you, I can call you a taxi if you need it - or even a friend of yours if you want." Sunggyu tries to sound curt but it must just come out mean because the guy's head jerks upward and his eyes are filled with tears again.

When Sunggyu grabs his arm to help him stand up, he realizes how drunk he really is, his whole body refusing to move but only sagging heavily against Sunggyu when he finally manages to pull him out his seat. 

He drags him to the door, the guy's hot and saturated with alcohol breath in his neck and his arm flings around his waist. "Where are we going?," the guy eventually asks when they pass the door and the cold air hits them. Sunggyu hopes it could bring back a bit of soberness in him. It doesn't. He only presses a bit closer to him, breathing out a small childish "cold", that has Sunggyu sighing.

He manages to close the shop the best he can while maintaining the guy so he won't fall into the dirty ground and then they're out in the noisy streets of Seoul, with people hurrying each sides of them and with no idea what he should do with him. "Where are you living?," Sunggyu tries for the third time but the guy only shivers, hair tickling Sunggyu's jaw.

"I told you, I don't live anywhere anymore," his speech is gibberish and Sunggyu is dumbfounded.

 

The door of his apartment almost breaks under the guy's weight and Sunggyu has to carry him to the bed where he throws him and where the guy immediately curls up around himself. He looks really tiny like this, and awfully young, green t-shirt wrinkled, messy blond hair and smelling like alcohol and sweat.

Sunggyu usually never lets strangers in his place. He doesn't like it but this guy didn't let him a choice and he doesn't take much space anyway.

He covers him roughly with his blanket and then proceeds to make himself a comfortable bed on the sofa. His house isn't that big anyway. He falls asleep staring at the regular heaving of the guy's back on his bed and wakes up at the sound of tiny whines.

The guy is seating on the edge of the bed, palms pressed against his eyes and complaints pouring out of his mouth. "What's wrong?," Sunggyu inquires, getting up difficulty, voice still hoarse with sleep. He's suddenly worried. He shouldn't have brought back a stranger home, and he shouldn't have fall asleep so carelessly but somehow, having someone else in his small house brought him a sense of presence. It's been a few years since he had a reassuring - as much as the boy can be - presence around him. Sunggyu is rather lonely, by choice and by fatality. 

"I'm hangover," the guy groans, rubbing his eyes so strongly that an eyelash falls on his cheek. He must not feel it because he doesn't wipe it off. "My head hurts. My stomach hurts. My eyes hurt." He sounds much more coherent than last night but just as cheeky and depressed. 

Sunggyu sighs. "That's not really surprising, considering how much you drank last night," he tells him, a bit annoyed and going to the kitchen to start making breakfast. He doesn't really want the guy to stay over too long but he thinks he'll leave after having breakfast. At least, he's sober now.

"Yeah, I'm aware," he sounds bitter. "But it seemed like the right thing to do at the time." He stands up to come sit on the floor where the table is.

"You don't think much, do you?," Sunggyu mocks because he heard drunken people regretting what they did in the morning too much and he never understood it. 

The guy shrugs. "Thanks for helping out last night by the way." He takes the rice as soon as Sunggyu puts in on the table to engulf huge spoonfuls in his mouth. 

"You're welcome," Sunggyu replies to his unspoken gratefulness. "You can leave after you had breakfast and a shower," he offers politely. 

He swallows his rice hardly, washing it off with water. "Thanks. I'm Nam Woohyun by the way." The introduction comes a bit late and a bit suddenly but Woohyun doesn't seem phased by it. He doesn't seem phased by a lot of things to be honest. Sunggyu is intrigued.

"Kim Sunggyu," he answers nonetheless and Woohyun nods. 

"I hope I didn't say too many stupid things last night." He smiles for the first time, eyes croaking into crescent and plump lips stretching into a grin. Sunggyu decides to fix his gaze on his food instead. He doesn't like the weight of Woohyun's eyes on him; it's heavy and fierce and it makes his heart race. 

"No, you didn't," he reassures him. Nothing too embarrassing at least. "You mostly cried and cursed," he states matter of factly and Woohyun coughs on his rice.

He cocks his head, cheeks reddening, contrasting strangely with his hair color. "Ah, yeah, sorry about that. I was...," he searches for his words, "pretty down last night."

"I figured." 

They eat the rest of their meal in silence, Woohyun pretending to suddenly find interest in his chopsticks and Sunggyu wondering how he ended up in this situation, with a young guy in his home eating like he haven't in weeks and looking like someone Sunggyu would be scared to meet in a deserted street at night. But there he is and Woohyun looks pretty innocent, with pink pouty lips and a red pimple on his cheek.

"Is it really okay if I use the shower?" The voice makes Sunggyu jump and look up at Woohyun already on his feet, scratching the back of his head.

Sunggyu clears his throat, standing up too. He's only a few centimeters taller than him. "Yeah, sure. This way," he gestures toward the bathroom door and Woohyun nods. 

Once he locked himself inside and Sunggyu can hear the water running, he plops down his bed, thinks that he has to go to work in a few hours and awkwardly realizes that Woohyun feel way too comfortable around him for someone he picked up last night drunk and didn't want to let of go of him. 

Woohyun takes a while in the shower, probably trying to wash off the hangover and the sweat. Sunggyu waits. Until he sees him come out still wearing his dirty t-shirt and jeans but with wet hair, blond locks falling over his forehead and droplets running down his neck. "Thank you," he says.

"It's nothing, really," Sunggyu answers because he doesn't know what else to reply. 

Woohyun smiles cutely and Sunggyu swallows. 

"Well then, I'll be going. See you around." He opens the door of the house, puts his shoes on so quickly Sunggyu barely has time to register he's leaving and then the door closes, right when Sunggyu mutters a small "bye". Sunggyu stays dumfounded for a few minutes, asking himself whether all this was just a dream or not and when he decides it's not, it doesn't make things easier.

And outside of his dark house, the tall buildings colored in orange for a few minutes and the cloudy sky hovering over them, the sun peeking out in between, half grey, half green. It looks like a post apocalyptic scenery, Sunggyu thinks. Like a framed photograph they sticked up to his window. But the impression only lasts that long before the raw feeling of the present takes over again and Sunggyu recognizes the city he has always known. 

Woohyun is different. Different from the people Sunggyu met until now. He isn't sure just yet what makes him different but he knows it's there; something special, something Sunggyu can't put words on but that propels weird tickles in his belly and fills him with adrenaline.

Sunggyu finishes cleaning his house neatly before taking a shower too - the room smells of his shampoo and is still warm from the shower Woohyun took an hour ago. He even finds a blond hair on the shower head. He examines it next to the mirror, the almost white tip contrasting with the dark roots and then he throws it away through the window. Such a small residue of the whole character that was Woohyun. Sunggyu doesn't feel sad, just strange, like he can already feel their meeting wasn't conventional but was a turning point.

He gets dressed lazily, lack of sleep making it hard to focus, and then he departs for university. The subway is crowded and he has to stand squeezed against the door by an old lady but he doesn't mind. He looks up to the ceiling and tries to breathe in and out calmly. He never liked the crowd. 

The streets are busy too as he nears the university, students running around and cars honking. Sunggyu ignores them. He walks without turning back until he's in front of his lecture hall and he can hear the other students chat around him. 

He hears his sister too, voice resounding in his head; "Journalism pays really well. You made the right choice." She's wearing a tight blue dress and speaks with her announcer tone. Sunggyu nods, agrees. Of course he should do well on his studies and not let him himself be wavered by other desires and interest. 

He watches them mill about, chattering excitedly about their days, their upcoming exams and plans for the next party and all the meaningless chitchat makes him a little dizzy. 

-

The night at the cafe is boring today. His eyes wander around the chair where Woohyun cried on a few nights ago and it seems like all of this never happened, but at the same time he can't bring himself to forget it. It's printed in his mind and it just won't leave him alone. He got distracted by many things during the past few days but Woohyun always came back to tickle his interest. 

Not many customers are here tonight and Sunggyu forgot to bring his book, so he can't help but let the flow of thoughts fly through his head and thinks about useless things. He already did the dishes and cleaned the tables and is only waiting for the couple and the old man to finish their drinks before he can close. He's almost dozing off on his counter well the door opens. It startles him awake and before he can greet the new customer and tells him he will close soon, he's met with a blond head and two shinning eyes smiling at him. 

"Woohyun?" His eyes must have widened comically because Woohyun laughs. "What are you doing here? I'm closing soon," he warns him, worried he might want to drink too much and cry a river again. 

"I know," Woohyun replies, coming to rest his arms on the counter and fixing Sunggyu like he's seeing him for the first time. "I just wanted to say hi." He smiles. "And thank you again for the other night," he adds softly and Sunggyu shakes his head, telling him he doesn't need to but Woohyun insists on buying him a drink.

"Are you working here everyday?," he inquires once they have their drinks - whiskey like Woohyun decided - in front of them and Sunggyu cashed the couple's orders. It's only them and the old man left in the shop but it feels really loud and lively and that might be because of Woohyun who laughs like everything's funny and speaks like they're alone. 

"No, only four days a week. I go to college on other days." He feels the need to explain even though Woohyun probably doesn't care, but Woohyun seems interested, nodding and sipping his drink slowly. He looks much better than the other day, when he was letting out this sound that teared Sunggyu's heart apart and when his eyes were so puffy and red he could barely see. Now he looks good, slimmer maybe, with fair skin and cute dimples when he smiles. He smiles a lot with his mouth - not so much with his eyes - but Sunggyu can't blame him. 

"Did you reconcile with your boyfriend?," he asks bluntly after he told Woohyun all about his journalism major and how he switches between night at the library and night at the cafe to pay for his shitty house. Woohyun stiffens, diverting his eyes, fingers tensing imperceptibly around the glass.

He clears his throat. He looks at him for the longest time and starts speaking when Sunggyu is about to apologize for his rudeness. "No. It's really over," he mumbles so only Sunggyu hears and it's too much of a difference with how noisy and cheerful he was just minutes ago. He sees the disappointment and the sadness in his eyes. He sees how heart broken he must be but all the polite words of comfort he knows can't seem to find a way to his mouth. He wishes he wouldn't have bring up the subject but he really wanted to know.

"I'm really sorry." It's the best he manages to say and Woohyun shakes his head like it's no need and it's true, it's probably meaningless to say sorry in such a situation. "Did you at least find a place to stay?" His voice is a bit hoarse and he gulps down his drink to the bottom to erase its roughness. 

Woohyun sighs. "Yeah, I'm staying at some friend place. It's okay. I'm not alone like that even if I must be a burden. I should try to look for something else." He says it like he doesn't really mean it but Sunggyu doesn't push it. Instead he goes and fills up their glasses again. It's not something he should encourage but he feels like he owns Woohyun at least this much.

-

Woohyun comes back two days later and then three days afterwards and just like that he becomes a regular customer. He always shows up a few minutes before Sunggyu is supposed to close and he always asks for alcohol. Sunggyu drinks with him. And just like that, way too easily for Sunggyu liking, Woohyun becomes a part of his life, his friend. He comes to enjoy teasing him about his boldness, he comes to grow affection towards his stupid t-shirts and ridiculous hair and finds his protective instincts triggered by his always self-conscious state of mind.

-

It takes two weeks before Woohyun takes him to the movies because he likes the place. Sunggyu hates it, especially because the sound is always too loud, the people around him eat with too much noise, the couples kiss too sloppily and he just feels trapped in the dark room. Woohyun laughs at him when he says that, jokes that he's ridiculous and drags him anyway. Sunggyu resists a bit but when Woohyun's hand slips in his and he repeats for the third time, "please, hyung!", he has to accept. 

Woohyun chooses an unknown movie about the American west and its wilderness. It follows a lonely man around the plains, mountains and infinite landscapes of America. It's something about nature, about rebellion against society and finding peace in nature. Woohyun cries at the end - Woohyun cries a lot, Sunggyu is aware now, so easily, for nothing and everything - and Sunggyu kneads his forearm as they watch the credits scroll down on the screen. 

He personally thinks the guy in the movie is stupid, trying to defy one of the main principles of human nature which is the need to live in society. He doesn't believe in sufficiency, people can only survive together. Sunggyu is pretty sure when the movie ends on some lame philosophical phrase that the guy is only suffering an identity crisis. But Woohyun isn't like that. Woohyun likes the idea, enjoys the fantasied and idealized story that someone can run away from everything material to live on his own. Woohyun believes in pure, unblemished happiness, untouched by society, money and people. 

 

Woohyun still looks sad about the movie or maybe it's about his broken heart, but he laughs the loudest today as they eat hotdogs and wander around the dark streets of Seoul. His laugh reverberates against the walls and Sunggyu worries someone might come up to them and asks them to be quiet. Woohyun doesn't care though, giggling with cheeks stuffed with meat and bread at every jokes or sarcastic remarks Sunggyu throws.

He can't stop talking, about his mother, about how much he likes Seoul, about everything that comes to his mind. He even tells him that he has a heart problem. It beats too fast, he says. Sometimes it wakes him up and he can't fall back asleep. Because of that he can't drink coffee and has to exercice everyday. 

Sunggyu listens well, eyes glancing sideways as they walk down the streets to steal a peek at Woohyun's animated face, a certain kind of fascination filling him up the more he hears and the more he sees.

-

Sunggyu is scared of time. It obsesses him sometimes, when he's alone and not busy enough. The way time never stop running but will eventually leads him to old age and death. He hates it. It scares him more than anything. When he was young and naive, he never imagined once he would have to die one day, but now that he's an adult and he's going toward a path he can't seem to shift from, it's frightening. He wonders if he'll have time to make things that make him happy, if he'll be able to enjoy to the fullest before it ends. But then he's going to college, working part time, meeting people that don't matter everyday, none he gets fully attached to, and when it becomes too hard he goes to a club and hooks up with a random girl or guy - it depends what he feels like. They go to a love motel, he wastes his money on a room and a condom and then he makes love to them gently enough so he can pretend they're having more than just a meaningless one night stand. 

That until he met Woohyun. Now Sunggyu is still scared of time but scared he won't have enough time to see all of Woohyun. Scared he will die in an unexpected car accident tomorrow and he will never have a chance to explore the depths of Woohyun's personality. He's being irrational, he knows it but it still haunts him no matter how much he tries to push it away. He wants to see all of Woohyun before it's too late and this forces him to want to do everything fast; to get done with his day quickly so he can get to see Woohyun, so he can spend time with him and listens to him until he's too tired to listen anymore. 

-

Woohyun asks to meet in the middle of a street tonight. It's busy and filled with buskers. Sunggyu wanders around for a bit until he catches a blond head in the center of a crowd slowly forming. Woohyun. He stands there with a mic stand, singing and next to him, a guy is playing the guitar. 

"This is what I do," he says proudly after he's done with his song, "I sing." Sunggyu tries to look impressed, muttering a small, "oh, I see" when in reality he's reminded of scattering dreams and a stupid high school band that used to play Radiohead all night long. 

Woohyun looks beautiful when he sings, veins popping out on his neck and mouth opening in this particular way as he squeezes the notes out of himself. His way of speaking has always been singular, almost weird, sometimes funny but it turns out amazing as he sings. Sunggyu is pretty sure he had been naturally gifted because he can hear here and there the lack of techniques, the flaws he, himself tried to suppress in his own voice years ago. He listens the whole time, eyes never leaving Woohyun, following, as if hypnotized by the undulations of his tone and the contortions of his face, even the way his hand moves as if to follow the music, opening and closing, coming to rest on his thigh. He watches in awe Woohyun performing, bathed in the purple and then blue, green, red lights of the sun setting, the glitters he put as make up on his eyes sparkling at each ones of his movements.

Sunggyu swallows hard, throat constricted and sweat running down his back. He tries to drink the alcohol he has in his hand up so he won't look so destabilized, but he is and now he understands what he saw in Woohyun when they first met, what made him get interest, what forced him to cope with this rebellious kid with blond hair. 

"Hyung, did you like it?" Hopeful voice, cute dimples as Woohyun comes back to sit at next to him on the low wall he's sitting on, a bit out of breath, still under the adrenaline. 

Faintly, "Yeah". Sunggyu clears his throat, tries to fix his gaze on the wrinkles of Woohyun's t-shirt. "Yeah, I liked it. I liked your voice. It's beautiful." The compliments come out so easily and with such honesty that Sunggyu can't really comprehend the bitter taste in his mouth and the acid tears menacing to break out. 

Woohyun seems satisfied, taking a sip of Sunggyu's drink. "I still have a lot of progress to make, I know, but I'm working hard," he explains, eyes twinkling. 

"How did you start?" Sunggyu asks because he's curious, wondering if they share the same yearnings, wondering if they are that similar to each other.

But Woohyun's face darkens, fingers coming to rub at his left eye and smearing the make up on his temple. "It's my ex-boyfriend," he says then, quietly and Sunggyu tenses. He doesn't want Woohyun to start crying again, he doesn't want to remind him of that guy. "He was a musician," he adds and for a second he seems lost in his thoughts. "But it doesn't matter now. I don't sing for him anymore." Or is he?

-

From that point, Sunggyu starts coming to every performances. They don't meet at the cafe anymore but Sunggyu rushes once his shift is over to come see Woohyun sing and then, once the crowd scattered into individuals again, they walk around or have a drink. No matter how tired Sunggyu is, trying to juggle with his studies, his work and his life, he managed to make a place for Woohyun in his packed life. A place he now thinks he wouldn't be able to replace with anything.

-

"Why didn't you come last night?," he inquires, eyes scrunching like he does when he's drunk. Sunggyu would never admit it but he finds it quite cute, just like everything about him, from his offhand attitude to the way his lips rise in one corner in a smirk in the middle of his sentence.

Sunggyu takes a sip of the drink Woohyun already ordered. "I had to see a friend," he replies simply, wondering if Sungyeol would like to meet him, this weird boy with colorful clothes who space out a bit too often. It's a Tuesday night and tonight Woohyun is singing in a bar. Sunggyu enjoyed his performance, like he always does and Woohyun seemed twice as excited as he's usually is right now.

"What friend? You never told me you had friends." Woohyun sounds genuinely surprised and Sunggyu can't blame him. He doesn't have many friends nor enough time to meet them. And Woohyun probably assumed that since he accepted him so easily in his life, he didn't have many people around him. 

Sunggyu empties the glass and gives a sign to the bartender to bring them new drinks. "You don't know everything about me. We just met," he states rather matter of factly but Woohyun shrugs. 

"Are you saying you actually have things to hide?," he teases, and Sunggyu laughs shyly too. He doesn't really have things to hide; what Woohyun saw of his life is more or less everything there's to see. But still, they still have many things to find out about each other. And Sunggyu can't wait to find out everything. "Are you playing the mysterious guy right now? I really hate that type of person." He makes a exaggerated face to shows his disgust.

"Why is that?," Sunggyu asks softly as the bartender puts their drinks in front of them. He's curious to know if it is because his ex-boyfriend hid a lot from him but Sunggyu doesn't dare to ask, memories of Woohyun's face contorted in ugly sobs still vivid in his mind. Instead, he takes a sip of his drink, the sweetness of the cocktail contrasting with the beer he finished right before.

Woohyun starts drinking too. "Because people who pretend to be mysterious are usually the plain ones," he lets out as if it's a common maxim that Sunggyu should know about. Then he sets his glass aside and bends over the table, eyes suddenly wide open. "Are you one of them, Kim Sunggyu?" He cocks his head, trying to contain his smile and Sunggyu laughs too.

"I don't know. You tell me." 

Woohyun hums and Sunggyu swallows back his laughter and the bubbles of excitement forming in his belly. "So who is that friend of yours?," he questions more seriously this time. 

Sunggyu tries to think of an answer, something that would describe Sungyeol properly to Woohyun but he doesn't have his way with words nor his observation skills, so he just states the obvious. "A friend I've known for a long time. Since high school actually. We don't see each other that much but yesterday he called me after a while."

Woohyun nods, as he keeps the alcohol in his mouth, cheeks full, before swallowing it. He does that a lot and Sunggyu isn't sure why; if it is because he likes the burn or it's simply out of habit. "You should have told him to join us," he offers once he has swallowed and Sunggyu shifts, uncomfortable.

"Yeah, maybe next time I'll tell him," he replies, wondering if he should really bring Sungyeol to this gloomy bar to introduce him a kid he met a few weeks ago and who sticks with him since then. "Aren't you satisfied with just me though?," he jokes and Woohyun laughs, throwing his head back and eyes twinkling as if he's already tipsy.

"Of course, I am, hyung. Don't worry," he says then and Sunggyu whispers a "you better" that Woohyun probably doesn't hear because he already stood up and extended his hand toward Sunggyu, "Let's dance!," he tells him with excitement and joy flying through his voice.

Sunggyu complies, letting himself getting drag to the middle of the bar where a few people are already half-dancing, half-chatting to the music. He doesn't particularly like to dance but Woohyun likes it so he goes with it. Woohyun isn't that great of a dancer himself but he stares at Sunggyu the whole time and doesn't protest when he lets his hands rest on his waist. 

-

Two weeks later and Sunggyu is going around a part of the city he never went before. Woohyun always likes to meet in the strangest place that has Sunggyu going uncomfortable because of the unfamiliarity.

He spots Woohyun way before he sees him. It's partially because of his blond that are starting to get long but also because he's caring a huge camera around his neck that makes him look like a tourist if it wasn't for his disinterest expression. It must be expensive, that kind of camera, Sunggyu is pretty certain. It might even be the most expensive thing Woohyun owns - if it's his - considering the cheap used clothes he always goes around in and how he seems to not have a proper home anymore. 

"Hey," he says as he nears him, his fingertips fanning over his shoulder. 

Woohyun turns around with a big smile on his face and his always wet eyes sparkling a bit stronger. "Hyung!," he exclaims. "Have you been well?," he asks then and it's a habit of his to ask that each time they meet even though Sunggyu always responds the same way.

"Yeah, I've been well but what about you? What's with the camera?" He points at Woohyun's chest where it's hanging and Woohyun's hands come protectively curl around it. 

"It's mine," he brags proudly. "I like to take pictures," he adds and it's not that much surprising. Woohyun definitely seems to be the kind of person who look at the world through a new set of eyes each time. He's curious to see his pictures. He's always curious around Woohyun. 

"Are we going to take pictures today?" Sunggyu asks and Woohyun just nods like he's asking the stupidest question he has ever heard. 

Woohyun leads him through narrows streets and secluded places, snapping pictures and blabbering about the song he's currently composing. Sunggyu listens, pays attention when he explains how to take a good picture and overall enjoys letting Woohyun be in control, decide what they're doing and what to talk about and he tries to remember everything as well as to understand all the things Woohyun doesn't say but he wishes he could learn about. And when it's time to part, Woohyun saunters away with a last glance towards him and a shy smile, like he already knows how deep Sunggyu has fallen for him. Sunggyu smiles back, mouthing a "see you" Woohyun doesn't hear.

-

It's Halloween today. Sunggyu only knows because he sees a bunch of kids running around hands full of candies and dark costumes on when he comes out of his place on the streets. He greets them with a smile as they pass by him, chattering happily. He only vaguely remembers the time he used to dress up for Halloween too. It's been so long since he felt that kind of innocent excitement that used to rile up through him at those times; hanging out with his friends, candies sticking to their teeth and cutting their lips and old ladies telling him his small eyes fit his vampire costume. 

 

Woohyun's hair are black today. So black it looks like it was never blond and his brows too, dark lines above his eyes are jet-black, making his gaze much stronger and forcing Sunggyu's glance to flicker away after only a second of staring. But his expression is as bright as ever and his greeting, just as happy, "Do you like my hair, hyung?" he asks immediately, like he's waiting for Sunggyu to approve so he can feel confident. 

"It suits you. You look like a normal person now and not some kind of punk anymore," he jokes, ruffling Woohyun's slick hair. "Only your clothes are left and you could finally look almost decent." Woohyun elbows him playfully, acting like he's mad but his eyes say he's satisfied.

"I'm not singing today," he tells him as they near the bar. "We can just grab a drink or two and that's it." Sunggyu nods, half-sad he won't hear his voice tonight and won't be able to look at him as shamelessly as he does when he's performing, half-happy they will have more time to talk. 

-

A few hours later and lots more drink than recommended and Woohyun lays his head on his lap in the taxi, dizziness taking over him, mumbling words Sunggyu can't grasp but he lets him do it anyway, telling the taxi driver to drive slowly so Woohyun won't get sick. It's not the first time he's seen him drunk but he's usually hyper, laughing loudly, giggling and full of energy. Tonight he's gloomy and oh so calm that it reminds him of the night they meet when Woohyun was crying - loudly and without shame like everything he does - and hanging into him like he would to a lifeline. He doesn't blame him though, he lets him rest on his thighs, eyes closed and small sounds escaping his lips. "We're almost there," he tells him even if he isn't sure he heard him and then twirls a lock of Woohyun's dark hair around his finger. It's soft and curls perfectly around it.

Woohyun's friend house is small and dirty. Clothes and trash are scattered everywhere, like no one ever dared throwing anything away but instead kept everything that came in intact. Sunggyu's heart clenches at the sight.

He lets Woohyun fall on a mattress he assumes to be his bed as it is surrounded by music papers and colored shirts. Woohyun whines faintly, already sleepy and for a second Sunggyu wonders if he's going to cry, if his drunken mind he's making him think about his ex-boyfriend.

"You should clean up a bit, really," he nags even though Woohyun probably doesn't hear. He mumbles something instead, but Sunggyu can't catch it. He sighs. "Sleep well," he tells him, making sure he's covered by a blanket before he exits the dark house, wishing he could stay so he could be here when he wakes up but that would be burdensome and Sunggyu doesn't cling to people. He really doesn't. 

-

A week later and Sunggyu is dragging Woohyun around for the first time.

"He works there," Sunggyu explains as they near the small grey building and Woohyun keeps pulling at his sleeve as to ask what they're doing in this pretty dead area. "He's a probation officer. He takes care of the teens sentenced to community service." The job's depiction doesn't really fit Sungyeol who spends most of his time talking and playing with the kids rather than watching over them, but it's what he's hired to do. 

"Oh. That's pretty cool," Woohyun acknowledges, making Sunggyu scoffs. Woohyun probably thinks it's a terrible job, one to make kids like him shift to the right path but he's being polite. He has gotten a lot more polite since they met.

He elbows him playfully. "You don't really think that," he argues.

Woohyun smiles and then says, "No I don't. But if Sungyeol's your friend then he must not be that much of a bad person, right?" Sunggyu isn't sure if it's a compliment or not but takes it as if it is. It's rare enough to hear stuff like that from Woohyun's mouth. 

"I'm sure you'll like him. He knows how to deal with naughty kids like you," he jokes and Woohyun makes a face between fear and disgust. "I'm just kidding. Sungyeol's really nice. Too nice for the job, even." It's true. Sungyeol is a kind person who value counseling over punishment and who is way too understanding for the job he's doing.

They arrive at the center right at that time, posters of smiling teenagers promoting community service stuck on the door welcoming them, contrasting almost comically with the damaged grey walls full of graffitis. "Looks fun," Woohyun points out ironically as he pushes the door open. 

They're met with the smell of cakes baking and the loud noises of people chatting. They follow their senses up to the hallway covered of drawing and poems left by the teens over the years. It's both creepy and heartwarming. Woohyun's nose wrinkles as he studies them carefully and Sunggyu isn't sure if he hates the atmosphere or not. Either way he doesn't show it. 

Sungyeol is waiting for them, big smile on with gums showing and pulling Sunggyu for a hug as soon as he appears before punching him lightly in the shoulder for not visiting earlier. 

Woohyun bows lightly but then he hears that Sungyeol is younger than him and he just laughs it off by throwing him a cool "hi!" that has Sunggyu embarassed for his rude behavior. Sungyeol doesn't seem to care though, he just smiles back like he always does. 

 

"Today we're cooking cause the weather isn't good." He glances toward the window and the dark clouds gathering in the sky. "We should have gone pick up the trash in the park but cooking's good too, right?" He smiles at Woohyun with his gums showing and Woohyun nods enthusiastically. He wouldn't be one to refuse free food even if it's failed and ugly looking cakes made by unexperienced kids. 

The cakes don't taste as bad as Sunggyu expected and when he looks toward Woohyun he's already stuffing his face, crumbs getting stuck on his lower lip. He looks younger than ever like this. Dark hair really does suit him better than the blond one, he thinks as he watches him from afar chatting with Sungyeol. 

If Woohyun notices the scars on Sungyeol's arms, he doesn't say anything. It's usually the first thing people spot, mostly because Sungyeol doesn't hide them. He wears his t-shirts proudly, arms free and red fainted scars printed in his forearm. When Sunggyu asked, years ago, Sungyeol said it's because it helps the kids to see that. He's just like them and he managed to make it despite it. Sunggyu thinks it's also because Sungyeol doesn't want to lie to the people he meets; he doesn't want to pretend to be someone he isn't anymore. 

"Funny, right? I only survived because I didn't cut the right way. I didn't know back then that if you cut horizontally they can't sew you up," Sungyeol's tone is casual but Woohyun doesn't seem that shocked. It amazes Sunggyu. "I was lucky, I guess." Woohyun nods in understanding, licking the last bits of cream out of his finger. Sunggyu wants to get mad at him for asking such a thing to Sungyeol and for not apologizing but Sungyeol stops him by putting a comforting hand on his arm before he can speak up. Sungyeol is good a sensing thing like that. "You want another piece of cake?" Sungyeol asks then, probably to change the subject of the conversation.

"No I'm good," he puts a hand on his belly to signify he's already full. "I didn't think hyung would have a friend like you," he blurts out then, startling Sunggyu. 

Sungyeol hums and Sunggyu feels weird hearing them talk about him like he isn't there. "Yeah, he may seems a bit cold at first but he's really not." He smiles and Woohyun nods like he agrees, drowsiness from eating too much taking over him as his eyes close, his head resting on the back of his chair. Sunggyu vaguely hears the storm breaking out from afar and the rain pounding against the roof above them. He didn't think Sungyeol and Woohyun would get on so well.

-

"You should really clean up sometimes, you know," Sunggyu repeats as they are lying on Woohyun's mattress, watching TV and finishing up the bottle of vodka they found in the fridge. Woohyun invited him over tonight, saying he had to work on his music but he hasn't been doing anything since he arrived, just drinking and chatting like they usually do.

"I know. I will... someday," he shrugs like it doesn't really matter. "It's not my house anyway," he adds.

Sunggyu takes a big gulp of vodka, hoping the alcohol will make him forget why Woohyun always insists to drink when they are together and why he's living in such a shitty place. "Maybe you should move out then," he says without thinking but Woohyun tenses before letting out a long sigh.

"I would if I could," he throws back, maybe a bit annoyed.

"What about your parents? Maybe you can stay at their place until you have enough to rent your own place," Sunggyu offers, realizing as he says it that it's the first time he ever evokes Woohyun's parents. It's surprising somehow as Woohyun still seems like a kid who refused to become an adult yet, but yet not so much, as Woohyun is independent and fearless enough to do everything on his own.

Woohyun falls silent after Sunggyu's question. So silent Sunggyu is about to say sorry. "My parents...," Woohyun trails off, diverting his eyes. "They never learned how to become parents," he states, voice uneven but gaze so strong and fierce, defying almost that it scares Sunggyu. "They didn't get to go to school much so they had to work really hard to compensate. I know it has never been easy to them. Especially with a son like me." He lets out a small laugh, of regret, of carelessness maybe.

Sunggyu reaches for his hand. The palm is moist like always but Sunggyu doesn't care, fingers curling and intertwining as to encourage him to continue. He suddenly feels guilty for asking in the first place, he should have figured on his own. "What do you mean a son like you?," he asks because no matter how he looks at it, Woohyun doesn't look like he could hurt anyone.

"A son that doesn't listen well. A son who isn't loving. A son who likes singing in the streets more than working," he lists without an hesitation like he already went through all these reasons a thousand times before. Sunggyu thinks he might have and it makes something clench in his heart. His hold tightens around Woohyun's hand, just as he adds, voice lower and tone bitter this time; "A son who likes boys more than girls."

Sunggyu swallows hard. He knows too well what it means but he still feels a surge of anger plunge into his stomach, hot and swarming. He hesitates for a few seconds before answering, wondering if he should comforts him with stereotypical things such as "They still love you" or "They probably understand you deep inside" but finally he sets for: "To me you're everything but a failure." And he hopes it means something to Woohyun.

-

After that night, Woohyun says they can't see each other this week because he's busy. Sunggyu doesn't ask more, wondering if he made up with his boyfriend, annoyed at himself for expecting Woohyun not to hide things from him when of course he does, and he spends the week alone, working and studying and ignoring the emptiness he's slowly getting filled up with. 

He hears Woohyun's laugh even when he's not there, loud and distracting resounding in his ears. Woohyun's name is like a password, the key word to the fire in his belly and the thunder is his heart. He wonders where it went to, his usual disinterest, the time when sleeping around was enough to make everything better, to fill the void in his chest.

-

Sunggyu waits for Woohyun's call to meet up at a bar like a teenage girl would wait for her crush to call. And when it comes, relief sets in Sunggyu's guts, smile appearing on his lips and his brain starts counting the hours he has left before they will meet again.

-

Myungsoo is that kind of guy, always bragging, preaching to whoever is willing to listen how much courage is important. He always said he wanted to live morally, to be a good person and he's trying really hard, Sunggyu can agree on that, but he is also the biggest coward he ever met. Unfortunately. A few hours had been enough for Sunggyu to discover that. Especially after he introduced himself as Woohyun's friend. The one he's staying at. 

Tonight he's talking a lot, as always, babbling about stuff Sunggyu doesn't really care about but his constant chatting is somewhat appeasing in the mist of people dancing and shouting and the loud music. Woohyun is laughing a lot too, alternating between covering his mouth with his hand like he always does and clapping enthusiastically. He looks cute. Really young, really innocent like this. 

Meanwhile, Sunggyu is chit-chatting with Sungyeol, seated next to him. They say stuff that don't really matter but it's okay like this, it helps them gulp down their drinks and mild in the crowd. He meets Woohyun's gaze above the table for a second as he's still in the middle of his sentence to Sungyeol and Woohyun's eyes go dark suddenly, looking back and forth to him and Sungyeol. But right when Sunggyu is thinking maybe it means something, Woohyun diverts his eyes, tells another joke that has Myungsoo cracking up and Sunggyu wonders if he imagined it. 

 

Woohyun isn't at their table when Sunggyu comes out of the bathroom. He almost starts to worry when he feels a hand circling his wrist. "Where were you?" Woohyun asks. "I've been looking for you." He's drunk. Just as much as Sunggyu. He knows that look by heart by now, the dilated pupils and red cheeks. 

"I was-," he tries to speak, wants to say he was in the bathroom but before he can Woohyun has pressed his mouth against his neck, wrapping himself around him like he wants to swallow him.

Woohyun is hot against him, hotter than ever and Sunggyu wants to ask what's with him suddenly, why is he kissing his neck, if he needs to go home but he takes Sunggyu's hands before he can and pushes it against his crotch. A choked sound escapes his lips, between surprise and excitation as he feels Woohyun's erection against his palm. It's hard to breathe suddenly and his heart is about to explode.

"Wait, Woohyun," he squeaks - or groans - against his hair because they're in the middle of the club and even if people are drunk and dancing and probably don't see them, it's not right. "Wait," he repeats but Woohyun doesn't hear or doesn't want to and instead he whispers:

"Kiss me." And Sunggyu can't do anything but obeys, hands cupping his face and demanding - almost desperate - lips meeting his. 

-

Two weeks later, Sunggyu enters the club, heart throbbing and excitement building up in his belly.

Woohyun is sitting at a table like always, glass in hand and he smiles when he sees Sunggyu, like he missed him. At least, that's what Sunggyu likes to think. He's already tipsy, Sunggyu can tell but it doesn't really matter if Woohyun drinks to forget about his demons or if he just likes it. Sunggyu likes it too. They have that in common and so much more Sunggyu can't put words on. Tonight Woohyun isn't singing or taking pictures, he says he just wants to have fun and so he drinks and drinks and they chat with some of Woohyun's friends - he calls them friends because they seem close but it's different people every night - until it's late and the bar is closing and they have go out. 

It's cold outside and it snowed already but they don't feel the biting of the cold yet, because their insides are warm and excited by the alcohol and the loud music. They take a taxi because Sunggyu insists, seeing Woohyun's knuckles already turn read and the snowflakes getting caught in his dark hair. 

The ride is silent, like always, except that when they stop in front of Sunggyu's house, Woohyun step off the car too. There's an uncertainty, a question in his eyes when he looks at Sunggyu as they're standing in front of the door, asking whether it's okay for him to come in with him. And of course it's okay. So Sunggyu leads him inside, to the door and to his house. Woohyun already came once but it feels different now, scary. 

Sunggyu doesn't like that he's bringing Woohyun to his home when he's drunk again but it seems that it's the only way they would both have enough courage and will to do it. 

"Don't turn on the light, my eyes hurt," Woohyun says when they come in and Sunggyu obeys, taking off his shoes and coat in the dark until he feels Woohyun fingers on his forearm.

When he looks up, he's met with the shining of Woohyun's eyes and then he's kissing him, hard and rough and with his erection pressing against his groin. 

Sunggyu stays dumfounded, letting Woohyun tug and lick his lips and jaw and neck for long seconds before he registers what's happening and he allows his hands to settle on Woohyun's hips and his mouth to return the kisses. A shiver crawls down his spine and down to his belly when their tongues meet and Woohyun emits a small sound, almost inaudible, similar to the ones he lets out when he's drunk but different enough to make Sunggyu's heart jump and his hold to tighten around his waist, kissing him more fervently so he can hear it again.

They shed their clothes quicker than they should, hurried and impatient, just like Woohyun, always on the edge of everything like time is running out. They stumble over the bed and Woohyun hovers him with eyes more intense than possible, darker than when he's singing, pupils blown that make Sunggyu squirm. 

Woohyun's skin is burning hot against his although goose bumps form when he runs his hand up and down his chest. He's beautiful and Sunggyu can't believe this is happening until Woohyun almost bites his lower lip and tongue in a nip that was supposed to be a kiss. "Touch me," he orders, voice low and demanding, almost cracking. 

Sunggyu obeys, looking properly for the first time at Woohyun's nudity, at the way his cock is hard and twitching between them, showing with that much rawness of how much Woohyun is willing. And Sunggyu is willing too, more turned on than he has ever been before, Woohyun's body fascinating him and so urgent, oh so urgent, to hear the sounds he can drag out of him.

He pulls on Woohyun's cock once, feeling it throbbing between his fingers and then he starts dragging it back and forth, slow at first, at a pace that has Woohyun's thighs quiver and his mouth falling open. He likes all about it but especially Woohyun's dreamy expression as he touches him for the first time, somewhere between half-pleasure, half-pain and the fascination that ensue, that makes Sunggyu twitch and search for more. Arabesques of lights cover his body, slipping through the window and coming from the moon and the stars. 

Soon, Woohyun's hips are starting to buck as if he's trying to force Sunggyu's hand to go down on him quicker, his own hands reaching for Sunggyu as to tell him he can't take it anymore. Sunggyu kisses him instead, still kneading at his cock like he's enjoying driving him mad, jerking him off until his head is spinning but not letting him release.

Woohyun is almost begging when Sunggyu lets go of his cock to press a silk finger to his entrance. He inhales a large puff of air when he enters and hold it for the longest time as Sunggyu is slowly going back and forth to ease his way in. His exhale comes out as a moan when Sunggyu puts the second finger in. Woohyun is incredibly tight and warm and no matter how much he kisses his thighs to try to focus on something else, he can feel his own cock throbbing at the only thought of having Woohyun all to himself. 

Three fingers in and Woohyun's breath turned into whines and he's bucking his hips against his hand to beg him to go faster. Sunggyu swallows hard, sweat already forming all over his body, not daring to look at the mess Woohyun's face is, scared he wouldn't be able to keep his composure if he does. He takes off his fingers and aligns himself, one hand on his hip, the other holding Woohyun's trembling hand. 

Sunggyu finally enters him with one thrust, filling him as deeply as he can, so deep Woohyun can't even move and he's emitting a choked whimper that has Sunggyu shiver.

It takes him forever to start moving. So long Woohyun is contracting and rutting against him already but it's so overwhelming, Sunggyu has a hard time holding back his orgasm. The rough edge of Woohyun's motions that makes him tingly under his skin, the tiny sounds he's emitting that Sunggyu tries his best to collect because he doesn't want to forget anything: it's all this, all of Woohyun that fuels the fire of Sunggyu's loins, that creates the simmering between his thighs and in his chest. And Sunggyu isn't sure he can handle it.

He finally starts thrusting, rocking into him with slow movement at first, feeling all of Woohyun coming undone under him, looking at his eyes closing by themselves each time he hits that spot inside him. He stares at the locks stuck on his forehead, at the way his chest is heaving and how his crooked teeth dig into his lips. 

He picks up the pace when Woohyun asks, taking on a punishing rhythm, voice hoarse and begging, hugging him close and leaning forward so he can kiss him, mouth open and tongues meeting. He feels as if his heart is about to explode, his whole body feels tingly and Woohyun's moans are increasing - his owns too probably but he's too focused on Woohyun to tell. 

"Woohyun," Sunggyu repeats under his breath as Woohyun's thighs clasp around him, like an incantation, like he's committing it to memory even if it's already engraved in him. That name, Woohyun, its two syllables and the way it rolls on his tongue. Like he's afraid he might forget. Woohyun comes with hot spurts of come between them, clenching all around him and the most sensual whimper Sunggyu has ever heard escaping his mouth.

And finally, a few erratic thrusts later, Sunggyu feels the tingle of his orgasm down to the soles of his feet and he hangs onto Woohyun as he rides it until the end, his forehead buried in the crook of his throat, where his skin is soft and sweaty and wrinkles easily. Woohyun always sweats too much and he's incredibly hot between his arms as he spirals down from his release, dry-heaving and heart beating fast.

 

When he wakes up, Woohyun has already left. A text waits for him in his phone; the address of tonight's busk.

-

Nothing changes much after that. They are still hanging out and Sunggyu is still coming almost every night to see sing. It's just that now Woohyun kisses him when they meet and they occasionally have sex with each other. Sunggyu wants to ask if they're dating one night as Woohyun is sprawled naked next to him and about to drift into sleep but he doesn't dare. 

He believes they are dating. They hold hands as they walk down the streets, they laugh a lot, they kiss whenever they can. Sunggyu thinks it's what dating is about. But then sometimes, he spots the veil on Woohyun's shinning eyes that tells him Woohyun isn't ready for dating yet.

-

"I hope that in another universe I loved you properly," Woohyun whispers, voice strained and with that tone Sunggyu is way too familiar with, the guilty one, the one that reminds him Woohyun love someone else. 

If Sunggyu was good with words, he'd say to Woohyun he loves him and not to worry because he doesn't look for perfection or commitment but just the way he settles against his chest and in his head and a promise he won't leave. But Sunggyu isn't, so he just pretends he didn't hear, he didn't register the words and like that, eyes closed he can imagine Woohyun is fully is.

Even like this, Woohyun with his bad skin and dirty hair, to Sunggyu, he looks beautiful. He could kiss his cheeks a thousand times, run his hands all over his neck, nuzzle his head in his chest and close his eyes and never wake up again. It would be okay.

Sunggyu knows it's dangerous what he has with Woohyun, that it could hurt him and wound him but for the first time he feels something, he who always wanted to feel something strongly, he who only knew about plain emotions and meaningless relationships. It may not be perfect, it may be lacking and clumsy but it's so strong Sunggyu wonders how he could have lived this long without it. 

Woohyun, unpredictable creature and fire of Sunggyu's heart. That's what he likes to call him, in his head, when he's alone and he reminisces the softness of his hands and the oddity of his reactions. He could be a multiple person but for Sunggyu he's just Woohyun and that's enough. He doesn't care if he's inexpressive most of the time, often undemonstrative and overall emotionally inept. It's okay like this too, it's what Sunggyu crave for; the intensity, the thrill, the dangerousness. 

What if Woohyun was in love with him, what if he could say it? Sunggyu would love that. He likes to imagine it, Woohyun saying it, with an edge in his voice and just quiet enough so only Sunggyu would hear it. 

He glances at the already fading finger prints on his waist. His finger prints. The ones he left there when he was hazed by desire and marking Woohyun seemed like the only thing that mattered. Now it's just insignificant bruises, not even painful enough so that Woohyun himself don't know about them.

-

Christmas. Is this love? Sunggyu asks himself as he wanders around the shops full of kids and useless toys, of bright decorations and faked happiness. Maybe it is and that's why he's going around like this, a bit lost, a bit too passionate about Woohyun and way too aware that it's not good. Maybe that's it all at once: love, that agonizing feeling, that madness taking over him. He's hopeless and he knows it but he embraces it, cherish it like it's a part of his body.

He ends up by choosing a sweat-shirt. A bit loose but warm. It's black with white stripes and it's more expensive than anything Sunggyu ever bought. He thinks it will suit him. He can imagine him in it and it's perfect.

-

Woohyun's eyes are consuming that, they radiate warmth and stay fixed a little too long on Sunggyu for it to be completely comfortable but he enjoys the discomfort, the fact he has to divert his eyes when Woohyun stares at him, it sends a shiver to crawl from the very tips of his bones to the cold of his skin. 

He's offering Woohyun everything he has that day, his heart in his open palms and in return Woohyun makes him forget the winter's cold as he cages him against the wall, stoking that familiar electrical charge springing between their bodies.

He says he likes the sweat-shirt, that he will wear it for his next performance. Sunggyu is satisfied with just that. 

-

Woohyun is driving fast, way too fast into the snow, but even though he knows it's dangerous, it's how he does most things, without thinking, without hesitation, with all the energy he could muster. Sunggyu doesn't tell him to slow down but hang into him tight and doesn't let go when Woohyun loses control of the machine and send them fly and fall meters away in the snow. 

Woohyun cries in the hospital later that day, saying he's sorry, that he didn't want to hurt him. Sunggyu says it's okay, we're alive, that's all that matters. 

Sunggyu wakes up damp with sweat all over and with adrenaline rushing in his veins. He falls back on his pillow when he finds out he just had the worst dream he could have. He's not hurt. Woohyun neither. He should just fall back asleep. 

-

Sungyeol calls the next day, happy tone and smile he can hear through the phone. "How is it going with Woohyun?" he asks like people ask each other how they're doing everyday expecting a positive answer. 

Sunggyu takes a deep breath. He hesitates as he imagines what it would be like to tell Sungyeol everything, about his excessive possessiveness and how Woohyun is still in love with someone he hasn't seen in months, about how they can only fuck when Woohyun is drunk enough to pretend Sunggyu is someone else, about how it's a secret and how he can't talk to his family without the weight of guilt on his shoulder. He imagines Sungyeol's reaction, the uneasiness in his voice as he would try to comfort him, to advice him. 

"It's going fine," he says instead and then really fast, changes subject so he won't have to think about it anymore. Sungyeol doesn't seem to notice.

-

"We should get out of here," Woohyun tells him as they're sitting in his car, the car his parents offered when he first got his license. Sunggyu can tell by the accumulated dirt on the windows and the weird smell all over it. They're in Sunggyu's university parking lot, Woohyun insisted to come pick him up but now that he's here it seems that he wants to be somewhere else. "Leave this place, I mean. There's too much memories. Too much stuff I want to forget," he adds. His strained voice make Sunggyu wonders if he's drunk because he never speaks that way when he's sober but his hands don't shake and he looks just fine.

"We can't." A pause. "I can't," he corrects. "I have to go to college and to work and we don't have money anyway," he states and he hates how he sounds, how he has to be so rational when all Woohyun wants is fantasy and promises.

Woohyun sighs. "I know." A silence follows as they watch, blinded, the orange sunlight coming in through the windows.

Woohyun's demanding lips, urgent and bruising, are always there to remind him he can't leave, that even if it isn't perfect, even if Woohyun is fucking with someone else and he's overly possessive, he has to endure it because every time Sunggyu is about to give up, to let behind him Woohyun and his cold personality, he will show a glimpse of vulnerability, a flash of honesty and it will reel Sunggyu back in before he knows it. 

He strokes Woohyun's damp hair back from his forehead. He's always sweating so much. The car is hot, it's true, but still, droplets run down his neck already. 

He feels sorry they can't be more than that. Woohyun probably feels sorry too. 

-

He swelters in the stuffy, crowded bar but he endures it anyway, eyes getting blurry at the blinding lights and coughing loudly. Woohyun's eyes are glazed over again when he sits in front of him. Sunggyu is scared. It has been a while since they met like this, just the two of them in a bar. Woohyun usally brings his friends. 

"Let's break up," Woohyun announces like he would order another drink. Sunggyu can't say he's surprised. He still asks why. Woohyun shifts in his seat, uncomfortable, he looks everywhere but at Sunggyu and then he speaks slowly but loud enough so Sunggyu catches every words. He says he's thankful, that he tried really hard, that he thought with time he would fall in love with him and forget his ex-boyfriend but it just doesn't work that way. He doesn't say he's sorry and Sunggyu is relieved, he wouldn't like it if Woohyun was sorry. It's not like he ever promised him anything. Sunggyu knew it since the beginning that he already lost to that guy who stole Woohyun's heart years ago. He hoped, for months, delusional and childish, that Woohyun would get over him and fall for him instead but feelings don't work that way. Feelings don't die down that easily. Sunggyu can't erase years of what he didn't know. 

"Are you still staying to watch the show?" He makes it sound like he wouldn't be mad if Sunggyu would want to leave but he thinks he owns him that much at least. He likes Woohyun's voice. He likes seeing him sing. 

"Yeah, sure. I'll watch," he replies with a small smile. Woohyun stands up then, brushing his vinyl pants with his hands and adjusting his hair. He goes up the stage then, people applaud and Sunggyu bites the inside of his cheeks. 

He sings a new song tonight, a sad one but Sunggyu doesn't really hear the lyrics. He's pretty sure it's about that guy anyway. 

He leaves halfway through his performance. He doesn't know if Woohyun sees him leave because he doesn't look back, going out of the club as quickly as he can, suffocating. They could have never lasted anyway, he tells himself as he walks home in the cold, like a supernova, they exploded to create something else. 

-

"Love hurts okay? Nothing new here. It fucking hurts. It'll chew you up and spit you out before you'll even know it." Sungyeol's drawling voice explains to him as he's side eyeing two of the teenagers bickering at the back of the room. "Kids! Back to work!," he yells, threatening and they comply immediately, still giggling to each other. "Listen, hyung, it's not that I don't want to help you but it's just that you're the one responsible this time." 

He sounds annoyed now and the "this time" resounds in Sunggyu's ears for a while. He almost forgot it's not the first time he came to Sungyeol to complain about his relationships. He has always complained. Because nothing ever worked. But now it's different because all the stupid stories, girls and boys and one night stands he encountered they seem childish and without much importance compared to Woohyun. It's really ridiculous in a way, to think he finally fell in love and he's so bad at it he has to rely on his best friend who probably doesn't know much more than him - except for the experience he has from counseling the teens -, but it's true. For the first time in his life Sunggyu can feel something else than physical attraction. 

He wonders where he fucked up, but not too long because he doesn't want to think about Woohyun and endings. He wants to remember the blond kid who hang onto him and didn't let go like finally Sunggyu could mean something to someone.

-

Sunggyu sits in front of the TV, lazy, eyes blank, slowly following the way the lady's lips moves as she talks in this old black and white movie. It seems that it doesn't match what she says. It's probably because they added the sound later on, Sunggyu rationally knows but he likes to think that it's because her body doesn't follow her thoughts. It's more romantic that way.

He unbuttons his pants after a while and starts jerking off, coming without real pleasure but he does it anyway because he was feeling like it.

The movie is almost over and the lady is crying. Sunggyu eats those biscuits he used to like when he was a kid and was going for bicycle adventure with his friends in the countryside. They don't taste that good anymore. Maybe he ate too many of them.

-

He quits his job at the cafe two months later, deciding that he will search for another part-time job. Sungyeol congratulates him, probably thinking he's moving on when he really isn't but just trying to avoid having to meet Woohyun ever again.

-

It's chiller than Sunggyu remembers and that may be because he's coming back after two years. The wall and the steep road still look the same though; dark and empty. Sunggyu tucks his head a little bit more into the collar of his coat as he climbs up the street, pace regular and quiet and already anticipating the dinner his mother prepared, table probably already set and his sister pacing around the room while waiting for him. It's not often that Sunggyu tries to be a good son but he does sometimes when the guilt seeps through him and he's reminded that he has a family to take care of. Then, he goes see them and pretend nothing changed, that he's still the Kim Sunggyu he used to be who devours his meal in five minutes and then complains he doesn't want to do the dishes. 

This time, he's coming back to forget about Woohyun. The familiarity of the place and the peacefulness of the town is enough to be able to pretend he never met Woohyun, he never fell in love and it never ended. He doesn't tell his family all that. When his sister asks how is doing in university, he says it's interesting, when his mother tells him not too work too much on his part-time jobs, he assures her he doesn't and when his father asks if he has a girlfriend, he pretends he didn't hear.

Sunggyu doesn't really believe in any happiness theory. He doesn't agree with those who says one should solely know about happiness to reach it. He thinks he still has to experience happiness, the real one, the one that will follow him all his life and will allow him in the end to confidently let go, convinced he had been happy enough in his lifetime. Sunggyu always reflects on how he acts, sure that he should start acting better if he wants to be happy. He should stop himself from overacting and erase all the evil thoughts he has. He should be brave enough. But he really isn't, so he just smiles big enough so the people around him won't notice he is anything but happy.

It's been almost one year since he met Woohyun he notices as he lays in his bed that night, the light chatter of his parents in the kitchen not loud enough to distract his thoughts from going toward Woohyun.

-

The summer sun is shinning in the early morning, lights yellow, orange, tangerine covering the streets and caressing Woohyun's bare arms. It's not that hot yet, just warm enough to make it comfortable. He's thankful he's wearing his light blue jeans so he's not cold. 

He reaches the house before he even finished his cigarette but it doesn't matter, he can't taste it on his tongue, nor can he enjoy the burning sensation of the smoke filling up his lungs. All he's aware of are his clammy palms and the way the wind keep blowing, raven hair falling on his face and obstructing his vision until he pushes them away. 

Woohyun isn't sure why he's here. He shouldn't be. They broke up a while ago now. They supposedly drifted apart, became estranged. It's what happens, he can hear Sungyeol says, it's life. You shouldn't hold grudges. You shouldn't cling onto people that leave you. Nor you should look back to the people who left. But Woohyun doesn't believe in common sayings, Woohyun believes he's often stupid, unpredictable, makes the wrong choices all the time. He knows he's young and passionate. He likes the thrill when things go too fast, when he doesn't have time to take a breath before he's drowning again. 

So Woohyun is here this morning, coming to cry and hoping Sunggyu will want him again. Because that's what love is about, right? Crying and wanting and this undying tickle in his heart. Or maybe Woohyun is just selfish, he think as he passes by the grandmother's house and her cat mewls at him like he's expecting some kind of attention. Maybe he just expects Sunggyu's love. Maybe that's what he needs. And that's why he's coming today, with nothing to give him but himself.

 

"Ah, Woohyun..." Sunggyu sighs really loudly when he opens the door, like he wasn't expecting him to come, like he was waiting for someone else to show up at his door step. But who else could come beside him? 

Sunggyu appears really tired, tight skin around his eyes and mouth twitching involuntary. Woohyun thinks maybe he shouldn't have come, but as he sees him, he's sure of one thing, it doesn't matter how much time he took to think about it, nothing about how them changed. "Can we talk?," he asks tentatively and Sunggyu shifts, looking behind him before stepping outside and closing the door. Maybe coming to his parents' house was too much. Woohyun is scared, suddenly. 

They find themselves in the small garden, next to the red climbing rosebush winding all over the house front. If Woohyun squints his eyes he can distinguish the thorns and he instinctively thumbs the little scar on his forearm. 

"What do you want, Woohyun?" His arms are crossed on his chest and he's waiting. 

Woohyun scratches his nape. "Hyung, listen. I'm sorry-"

"Don't," he interrupts. "Just don't. Did you come all the way here for that?" He sounds bitter, annoyed and Woohyun understands. He lowers his head and he's met with Sunggyu's socks. He didn't even put up his shoes to come out, like he was already knowing the meeting wouldn't be long. Woohyun swallows hard.

He hesitates, searching for the right words, trying to explain why it took him so long, why it was hard to forget about the guy before him, why he completely forgot once he has met him. "I never wanted anything like I want you," he finally blurts out, tactless.

Sunggyu sighs again as if to say he's done with all that shit but Woohyun insists. Woohyun knows he always has to insist with Sunggyu because he's stubborn and conservative and insecure. "Really, hyung." He takes a step forward but Sunggyu takes one backward.

"What is that supposed to mean?" He laughs incredulously like he can't believe Woohyun came all the way here to tell him that. And maybe he can't. But Woohyun has always been one to surprise him anyway.

Woohyun searches for Sunggyu's eyes. The eyes he know. The eyes he looked at for months. And when he finally meets his gaze it's like the whole world stills. "It means I love you." It's out before he even had time to think and Sunggyu seems to freeze, shock and lack of understanding passing through his face.

"What the fuck, Woohyun?," he mumbles, palms coming to press against his eyes like he want to erase what he just saw. 

"Hyung," he repeats, taking another step forward but this time Sunggyu doesn't bulge. 

"I fucking hate you, you know that?" A hint of desperation shows through his tone. "Why are you saying this now? And here of the all places." He probably means, "why are you making things difficult?" but Woohyun doesn't care. Woohyun never cared. 

He comes to rest his hands on Sunggyu's shoulder and then he's kissing him, just a peck on his chapped lips but it already enough to bring the memories back. His gentle, familiar hands creep up to Sunggyu's face as if he wants to trap him inside and he's kissing him once again.

 

One never experience the same love twice, Woohyun is sure of it, it's not because he or Sunggyu changed, it's all due to time. Time goes on and people get old and tired and forget things once was their everything. Their love grew old too, bent a bit under the pressure of time, got torn in some places, has scars in some others. But even like this, even knowing that they can never go back to the beginning, to the sparkles and tickling of their first meeting when everything was decided, it's okay. It's never the same love twice but it's still love, just as strong and passionate.


End file.
